I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
