Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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