I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
