what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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