Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
