threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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