Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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