I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
