I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Randomize
