guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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