My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
