i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
