Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
