Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Please don't give away my fajitas
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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