Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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