The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
