Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
