A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
