She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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