My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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