I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
