He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
where are you?
Hypothermia
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
