wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
