Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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