I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
