Got a toothbrush?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
