So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
