Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
