I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
