wake up i wanna do it froggy style
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
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