i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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