last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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