You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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