Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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