i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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