I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
