i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
