she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
