Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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