you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
