Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
