I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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