I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
