What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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