My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
