pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I will be naked everywhere
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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