Cold hands, warm shart.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
