tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
