I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
How external is "for external use only"?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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