There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
